Wednesday, July 18, 2012

My Saving Grace

Well, other than Davis and Bryan.

Music.  I had to jot this thought down because it impacted me on the way to work today.  Instead of a bus, I ended up taking a taxi this morning because a driver stopped and it only cost 4 soles (less than $2).  

I climbed in and the driver began channel surfing on the radio.  You know how in the USA some of the Latino stations seem to be like 88.3 or 88.7 or something really low in the radio dial?  I think the North American music is like that here, waaaay down there.  And it doesn’t stop there when you hit “seek”, you have to find it.  I believe the station was on 88.9.  The song that was playing was “House of the Rising Sun” as performed by the Animals.  That white boy could sing.  This song reminds me of my Dad.  I distinctly remember it being turned up on the radio every time it came on.  SO, I’m sitting in a taxi in the middle of the busy bustling city of Lima and listening to this song and it is like a lullaby amidst the madness and my perpetual state of confusion.  And for reasons only God will ever know, I started to cry. 


Really???  Right now?   Me?  Because of “House of the Rising Sun”?  Really? 

It wasn’t like a snotty, convulsive cry, just a few tears trickling down.  I know I have a tendency to be moved by music, but come on.  Breathe.  No problem, I can handle this.  I can regain my composure.  I’m tough.  Get it together, Chica.  Then the radio commercials came on in Spanish and I was whipped back into reality. 

Whew.  Glad that’s over. 

Now I’m about 10 minutes from work, thinking about work like I should be, thinking about how I don’t need to be looking all crazy when I get to the office and then…another song came on.  George Harrison’s “My Sweet Lord”.  You know it?  The one where you can hear John Lennon with the back ground singers singing “Hall- leh- loo- yah” and “Krishna Krishna”.  Well, apparently God or someone thought that I needed a good cry today no matter what and if “House of the Rising Sun” didn’t do it, then by god a mantra by a couple of Beatles would.  Well played, Universe.  Well played. 

Whatever composure I regained after the first tears was totally lost and the waterworks came on.  This time with snot and lots of tears and the ugly face and everything.  I have no doubt the taxi driver thought I was INSANE.  But I couldn’t stop it.  

So, I had a decision to make.  I could either let this emotion overwhelm me and make me sad or I could make it work for me.  Why be sad?  That doesn’t do anything.  Music is meant to be good for the soul.  That was George Harrison’s intent when he wrote that beautiful ballad.  And I am freaking lucky as hell that of all things, my kind of music is available here on the radio.  So I turned that frown upside down and just started singing along.  Oh my lord…my sweet lord…. I really want to know you…..Really want to go with you....Really want to show you lord…..That it won’t take long, my lord. 

I guess it hit me.  I’m here.  I’m really here and I have to do this.  I have to show the world and myself and my son that life is possible anywhere.  Happiness and struggles are universal.  But I’m not in control.  And that’s okay too.  Just be.  Just listen and feel and learn and grow and let the universe take me to wherever it intends.  I just need to keep my mind and soul open.


I am lucky and grateful.  I’m lucky to be here.  I’m lucky and grateful to have an organization that is supporting me through this.  I’m lucky and grateful that I have a smart and kind supervisor here who is patient and willing to help me learn.  I’m lucky and grateful that I have a husband and son who are here with me, helping me, loving me and having fun with me. 

And then, I shit you not, the next song on the radio was Carly Simon’s “You’re so Vain”.

Touché, Universe.  Touché.  

If you live under a rock and don't know any of these songs, here are some pretty amazing versions of each:

Taken near our home by my husband, Bryan.