Why have they sucked? Basically I have been throwing myself a pity party. I've felt like crap physically and mentally and I've done nothing but whine and focus on the negative. I certainly didn't want to bring you all down with my Debbie Downer crap (no offense, Mom). But I also just didn't feel inspired to write. I've had these odd panic attacks when I think of missing things like half-n-half in my tea instead of condensed milk. Or when I see pictures of people on Facebook with their families - and I just burst into tears.
What's interesting and stupid about this is that I am here in Peru working for Heifer to help make a difference in the world. And the people that I am helping have way bigger problems than me. I live in a developing country and I don't have to look far at all to see people struggling and real poverty. I bitch about having to always take a taxi or bus because I don't have my precious Avalon - all while I'm watching people walk to work because they can't afford any of those. How ungrateful am I? My last post was true, I've really had my eyes opened about humanity. I've got "perspective" looking me right in the face all the time. But over the last three weeks, I haven't been looking back at it. I've tucked my head down and hidden from it. I've cried a lot and felt sorry for myself and had a shitty attitude about everything.
SO FINALLY, I'm done with that. And here is why the last three weeks have been totally awesome:
Bryan went to Columbia last week for a photography job leaving me solo for the first time in Peru. Talk about scared. I didn't have my parents or army of friends to help me with Davis to and from school. I still had Spanish classes in the morning blah blah blah lots to do. BUT, my coworker Mariela (who I've mentioned before) came to the rescue and her nephew Heinz stepped up to help with D. Check that off the list. He was awesome. Then, we found out that Monday and Tuesday were holidays so no school and no work. Two free days that I didn't have to harness the universe! Another check. And then the following Monday was a holiday too. Wow.
Providence totally moved my way, again. Like it always has and will because that's what it does.
For those three days where I had to take D to school alone, find a new bus route to work, work, come home and cook dinner for him, homework/bathe/bedtime/love - it was hard. But it also occurred to me that I'VE DONE ALL THIS BEFORE. ALONE. And by God, I can do it again if I have to. I was a single mom for almost 5 years before moving here and if I could do it then, I can do it now. I've got the same kind of support here from new friends. The time between Davis and I felt like it used to. Just us doin' our thang. And it felt good.
Then, even after that good week I still let myself sink back down into the dumps. I whined on Facebook and received a plethora of supporting words. The amount of love I feel from my family and friends back home has been truly amazing. But/and, I got one random text from an old friend saying this, "Quit bitching on Facebook about being homesick and your stomach hurting because of it and whatever. You're a ****ing soldier and it's unbecoming in a bad-ass like you."
So there you have it. That's what I needed to be reminded of. That's what got me here. Those words, combined with dozens of other messages of love and support, did it. I'm done being homesick. Done. I won't let it get me down any more. Three months in and I am actually starting to understand the language. I'm more committed at work. I'm more committed to Spanish class. I'm more committed to myself.
Moving forward, my posts will be about Peru and not sad feelings about missing Dr Pepper or cheesedip. They'll be about the awesomeness of this country, my life, and the amazing experience I've been blessed to have.
I got this.
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back - Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."
The second is a song that I've been rocking to today that just feels good:
And the third is a picture of me when I came out from under my rock for a minute and went to a German bar in downtown Lima with my coworkers.